There is no reason to keep this going. It feels like nothing is going well in my life. Anything good, commissions, work progress. Anything. It all ends on a sour note. Even therapy has failed. It doesn’t feel like I have any purpose in existing. Nothing positive to hope for. No love to find. IRL friends who are either mostly absent or downright unhelpful with my struggles. Family that is behind useless in the same regard. I can’t scarcely list a reason to keep living while i can list so many many more on why I shouldn’t. My existence is just to please others. To take care of my patients and make others smile. There is nothing in this world For me. I can only pray it ends soon or I finally man up and blow my brains out like I know I will one day. I thought things were improving today but it’s a brutal back and forth that still always manages to end with me on the bottom.